My Balance Beam

I recently read a book called For the Love by Jen Hatmaker.  And, by “read” – I mean, I listened to it while I ran.  I cannot recommend it enough.  I am 100% sure that it changed my outlook on a few aspects of my life.  It brought to my attention – glaringly so – that I don’t give enough grace out loud.  Because I have such high expectations of myself and everyone around me, it must seem like I never allow anyone (much less myself) a moment of human-ness.  And in a world with up-to-the-second facebooking, news cycling, chatter, tweeting, insta-storying and NOISE…couldn’t we all use a little human-ness…a little grace?  It also made me realize that – while I try to live a transparent social media life – I want to make sure we clear up a few things.

On Grace…

There’s a difference between “doing it all” and “getting it all done.”

There’s also this concept of “I’m ok with letting some things go.” J

I don't do it all.  I mean, I technically I didn’t even read this book. I listened to it while I was doing something else important to me.  

In her book, Jen talks about things that delicately balance on the “beam” of life and things that fall to the mat.

All of life doesn't make it on to my balance beam. 

I don't do laundry. 

I don't clean my house. 

I don't go to my sons' schools to volunteer every day / week / month. 

I don't cook. 

I am not the school mom that you’ll see in pick up line every day.  Some days I wish I were.  We call those days Mondays and Fridays.

I am not the school mom that you’ll see at any event scheduled on a Wednesday.  Come on, people.  I’m not asking for things to be scheduled around me – just like you aren’t asking me to attend Every. Single. Event.  Right?

I’m probably not going to go on a weekend girls trip.

I don’t join book clubs or junior league or other “optional” activities (maybe they just seem optional to me?).

I no longer scrapbook for lack of time and, quite frankly, other options to document my life and kids’ lives.

I have a convenience fee.  If I can make something easier for me, my family, etc. – I will likely pay to do so. If I can outsource, I will.  Example:  house cleaning  …. OFF THE BEAM!  (Unless Matt is with me, and then sometimes he won’t let me.  Example:  valet parking)

Sidebar:  It is NOT lost on me how blessed I am to be able to operate this way in terms of outsourcing, convenience fee concepts and how we spend time with our children.  My point is more about making sure what is important to YOU stays on the beam...and it's OK to let the rest fall to the mat.

Balancing my life:  My travel fills up my tank for my extroverted kids.  My 3 days/2 nights on the road is where I become a better mom. Other people do that through junior league or book clubs or girls weekends or whatever. I hear your whispers about “being away from my kids” – you are too, just in different ways – so, show me a little grace, please.

It is important to me to spend my nights home and my weekends with my kids… Disney, Busch Gardens, library visits, toddler sports, pool time, park time, breakfast at our favorite restaurant…all ON THE BEAM.  All of them.

 

Disney!

Florida State Football Game

All in on the Noles, y'all!

We are a Yankees family, but we love Raymond!

The boys LIVE for swimming!

The opinion of the toddler sports moms about my “bought” (vs homemade) snack is not important to me.  OFF THE BEAM, every time.

I parent.  Teachers teach.  It’s a delicate partnership (and we have been SO LUCKY in this space!), but I won’t be at school doing their jobs just like they aren’t home with us while I do mine. Teaching is OFF the beam for me.

Your beam looks different than my beam.  I’m SO thankful for that because you mommas that bring in homemade treats and spend time in the class room are my HEROES.  I don’t mean to come across as critical of you, I mean to come across as APPLAUDING you.  (What I don’t applaud is when I get the #SideEye for store bought snacks, though, so grace goes both ways – am I right? J)  In fact, that goes for people who cook, go on girls trips, join book clubs, participate in community groups – all my HEROES.  I’m thankful for what you bring to the world. 

My husband is a priority.  We are partnership of epic proportion.  We are equals in this marriage thing and we split tasks to make it all work.  Except the laundry.  He’s a laundry lunatic and I can’t keep up.  Matt is always ON THE BEAM.  Always.

Yes, he's grabbing my breast.  #ItsFine

My kids are a priority. 

 

 

   

My faith is a priority. (along with my family’s faith)

My career is a priority. 

My health is a priority. 

My family is a priority.

My friends, specifically my GIRLS, are a priority to me.  You know who you are.  I needn’t name names. 

My priorities get juggled daily, but they’re always ON THE BEAM in some way. Sometimes I juggle hourly because ALL OF THESE cannot be priority #1 all the time.

On humility…

Humility is absolutely necessary, however, in a world where we tear each other down more than we build each other up – we must be able to speak highly of ourselves, our skills, our trajectories in life and careers.  If we don’t – who will?

I’m good at a few things…

I’m a hard worker. If I committed to something, I will see it through to completion.

I can operate on 4-5 hours of sleep.

I get my second wind at 10:30pm and have been known to rearrange cabinets, pantries and drawers until 1am.  It calms my brain.

I’m a leader…of people, teams, projects, business transformations, initiatives.

I'm an organizer....of vacations, dinners, cabinets, closets.  

I’m a utility customer service expert.

I’m an SAP expert.

I’m a kick ass program manager and strategic planner.

I'm transparent. I don't play poker. The truth flies out of my mouth sometimes without filter. This is a blessing and a curse.  I’ve gotten better over the years.

Aligned with that transparency is integrity.  If I didn’t do it right or didn’t do something justice, you’ll hear it from me first.  The same goes for my team or my family.  If I give you my word, I will die trying to keep it.

I hold myself accountable for what is my responsibility, my teams’ responsibility or my family’s responsibility.  Need I remind you that I picked up toddler poop off the Atlanta airport floor because THAT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY as Beau’s mother….?

I hold people accountable for their work, their commitments, their responsibilities.

I care about other people's careers...and if you ask for my help, you're going to get it.  If you want to succeed and do great things -- I want those things for you too!

I'm a fiercely loyal friend. I've lost two real friends in my life. One I got back. One may be gone forever. 

I don't go a mile wide and an inch deep on friendships. If I'm your friend, I'm your friend in ALL seasons - good or bad.....in times of celebration and despair. I'm here. 

Integrity, loyalty, accountability, responsibility and owning your strengths – ON THE BEAM!

This isn't all of them, but you get the idea about my #WorkFam.

I am funny and mostly I don't realize it. My friend Martin Palma tells me that all the time.  He may be mostly laughing AT me rather than WITH me, but I’ll take it.  Laughter will always be ON THE BEAM for me….it helps in all situations.

My children keep my humility in check by treating me like their butler, waitress, driver, personal assistant and maid.  Do not fret about my level of importance at home…I’m low on the totem pole

Women can do the hard things.  We can be anyone and do anything.  You don’t have to do ALL the hard things or be everything to everyone.  Breathe in this world of opportunity, go get what is important to you, ask for help when you need it, show the grace you expect for yourself to others and TELL THE WORLD all the things YOU’RE good at.

On self-awareness…

Having a healthy awareness of your strengths is great.  Having a healthy awareness of your weaknesses takes an extremely mature person open to ongoing personal and professional growth.  I have growth opportunities at work and in my personal life….in my marriage, in my family interactions, in my friend interactions.  ON THE BEAM, folks…I try to pay attention!

With that said, I'm not good at these things:

I don’t have empathy for all situations.

I am not good with messes, clutter and “excess.”  These things cause me IMMENSE mental stress.  Everything needs to have a place….and if we haven’t used it, worn it or discussed it in a year’s time – OFF THE BEAM.

I’m a fixer…and a problem solver – and that’s not a good thing all the time.  I always have to ask – “Am I in listening mode or fixing mode?”

I don’t embrace change well, but I expect my clients do. (ironic, isn’t it?)

I'm not good at the benefit of the doubt.  I'm terrible at it and need to be reminded of it. 

I have a short fuse. 

I have a zero-tolerance policy on laziness, incompetence, and lack of integrity. 

Listening to a chapter in Jen’s book (“Jen” – like we are girlfriends and on a first name basis now?) helped me learn that I “exercise compassion without enabling misconduct,” laziness or giving an "out" to hard work.  I have empathy for people who want to do the work to improve their situation, but need some help/advice/a boost to get where they are going. I can relate to that. I do and can enable success.  I do not believe in victims of circumstance. I do not relate to complaining without action.  I do not do hand-outs. Ever. You want something?  Work hard(er).  Per Jen Hatmaker – “Young MC said it best: "Don't just stand there, bust a move."”

I question every parenting decision we make. 

I'm claustrophobic.

I'm terrified of heights.

New places make me anxious because I don't want to miss the good stuff a new place has to offer.

I over plan.

I over pack for vacations (but never for the work week).

I over think family dynamics.

I'm incredibly more sensitive than you know or that I portray.  Many people think I don’t have feelings because of how “cut and dry” I can be at work.  There are times when that is true.  There are times when that is necessary.  There are plenty of times when that approach is not necessary and not used.  Don’t assume.  The tough exterior that I’ve built to protect myself has created a reputation that isn’t always warranted.  I am human.

My communication style can be perceived as harsh, mean or short-sighted.  Know that nearly every move I make is a calculated one.

I am not politically correct. 

I often use money to replace the time I can’t spend on something when TIME is what was really needed.  (See “sidebar” above)

I’m not worldly nor culturally savvy.  My real friends and colleagues know this about me and lend me grace and help me learn.

I’m not good at being bored. I shop on my Nordstrom app when I’m bored in airports.  This is bad.

I’m addicted to my phone…. news, shopping, social media, games, emails, texts.  #PutYourPhoneDown

I don't understand the concept of privilege and I'm not convinced it's the reason for all the problems in the world. I’m a work-in-progress on this topic.

I can be hard on the people I care about the most and the people I think have more potential than they are realizing. 

On common ground…

The good news is that we have a common ground.  We are all human first…. before we ever categorize ourselves with gender, race, ethnicity, religion, etc.  There’s nothing wrong with being confident in your skills – both personally and professionally.  In fact, I applaud it.  If you don’t know what you’re doing well – you likely don’t know about the areas available for improvement.  Self-reflection (like this blog, I guess) is a good way to find grace and humility. Assume positive intent – even when it feels unnatural.  Tell the truth. Be kind. Be human.  Be Brave.  Be YOU. It won't look like my day (or one of the 1 billion other days you see on Instagram) and that is OK.  

#BeTheChange

#GiveGrace

#BeKind

#BeBrave

We Love America.

Work Backwards.

I always start with the worst-case scenario.  I develop a plan on how to manage through my worst case.  Right, wrong or indifferent -- I start there as a coping mechanism … because if I can figure out how to handle the worst case, then I can manage anything between here ----- and there.

For about an hour today, I thought my baby had leukemia.  That was my worst case.

Last night, Matt mentioned to me that Beau had a lot of bruises on him.  Like, more than normal for Beauzilla?  Yeah.  More than normal…and they were oddly placed.

When we got up this morning – more bruises…groin area, back of the arm, back, stomach, waist/side region.  ODD places.  I immediately didn’t feel right.  Beau was acting fine, but not looking the part so I banked on our parental intuition -- and called the pediatrician and got an appointment this morning. 

By the time we arrived at the pediatrician's office, more bruises had formed...

As soon as the doctor saw his markings, she went from her usual jovial kid doctor self …. To a very serious, stern and focused medical professional with very specific instructions:  “Go to the emergency room right now.  I’ve called ahead.  They are expecting you.  You need blood work as he appears to have some sort of platelet issue that can be anything from ITP to Leukemia. Now, because he has no other symptoms -- it’s probably ITP and treatable, but we must run tests to be sure.”

I only heard about 4 words of that entire statement…. 

“emergency room right now” 

and 

“leukemia”

By the time I had my wits about me, Jack was already in tears…. “worried about Beau.”  So with that – I reminded myself that it does a baby good to know that others can soothe him and love him. It will always take a village to raise a child – better to start sooner rather than later.  I called my VERY sweet neighbor who took Jack off our hands…and they hand a grand little day together running some errands, having lunch and playing the pool.

Also?  I'm thinking to myself -- Reschedule the entire day.  Email all the people you were meeting with throughout the day.  Email your client.  Email everyone that you're kind of off the grid for a hot minute.  THANK GOD for the amazing people that I work with every day...Accenture and DTE, for giving me just a moment of space to deal with this thing that was invading my personal space.

When we arrived at the ER – they were expecting us…and had urgency that only increased my anxiety.  Another bruise had formed on Beau's face...and now one on his leg...it looked horrible and painful.  We got into a room and the dr. came in almost immediately…  She explained to us how the blood works.  We’ve got red blood cells and white blood cells.  And we have platelets that help us heal and clot the blood.  The white blood cells create antibodies to fight off viruses. 

They need to draw the blood to look at all three – red, white, platelets.  She said it again – “this can be anything from a thing called ITP …. To leukemia, but I need to see the blood to be sure.”

All I heard was leukemia.  So I started there…I hit the internet with research on types of illnesses, treatments, special centers …. Correlating them to current and future clients to make sure I could continue to work to support the treatments but be near to be with him.  I started to do the math…and figured out what we could cut back on to make ends meet.  I researched what my insurance would pay for…all of that while I waited for the nurse to come in to draw the blood.

Then – they DREW THE BLOOD and for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, I cried more than Beau did.  But he cried BIIIIIG alligator tears….and I tried to give him his binky…and he gave it back to me.  I almost took a hit off of it.

Then we waited.  They needed one hour.  And for one hour, I planned our life with leukemia treatments.  I found all the best centers, found nearby apartments to all of them, did research on doctors, found all the support groups, mapped flights into each area to correlate costs and budgets... And I know that must seem WILD to you, but that’s how I work.  I accept the worst case – and work backwards from there….because I need to be able to handle anything she says when she walks back through that door.

So we played and walked and blew up gloves into COW UTTERS…. And we found all the pictures of the cows on the ER floor….and we mooed…and we watched the ipad and the TV and mommy’s phone and sometimes we tried to work on mommy’s work computer because that looks like fun too.

We waited.

AN ETERNITY.

And finally – she came back.  It’s not leukemia.  

Sometimes, those antibodies that the white blood cells are producing to fight viruses are not so smart – and they attack the platelets.  A kid Beau’s size/age needs about 150000 …. He has 1000.  Just 1000. 

The antibodies will continue to attack the platelets while they are trying to fight off whatever virus is inside Beau right now.  This is ITP -- Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura  -- New antibodies are created each time the white blood cells detect a virus to go attack…the next round of antibodies may not attack the platelets.  It’s hard to tell.

We now need to hear from the hematologist.  This poor ER doctor has reached her limit on knowledge of blood disorders – and probably her tolerance of my questions and antics.

The hematologist came in…saw the look on my face and said “I’m going to say this three times so that you know that I’m serious – He does not have leukemia.  He does not have leukemia.  He does not have leukemia.”  The bruises aren't painful, but he's prone to bleeding now because he has no ability to clot...so any bad fall or head bump requires an ER visit.  Oh, Jesus take the wheel - for real?!

Ok, I think I’ve got it.  It’s not the worst case scenario…let’s start working backwards now…

Beau is going to be fine – but he’s going to bruise every time the wind blows until this set of antibodies run their course…and move on.  So, we’ll see the hematologist every work to do blood tests…until such time that things change…and then we will change courses, but for now – no treatment other than restricted activity.  No contact sports.  

Hold up – what?

He’s 2.  He already broke his leg TWICE… My whole house is a contact sport.

Lord help us.

Jack understands…he’s ready to take care of his brother.  “I’m his keeper.”  Yes, baby…yes you are … so when he jumps on you to wrestle, you have to resist that urge to Jimmy-Superfly-Snuka him…because he’ll bruise up like a peach and Child Protective Services will be BACK at this house (read here for that story). 

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

We got a doctor’s note.  Just in case.

It's fine.  He's Fine.  We are fine.