I started writing this while in my 7th week of
pregnancy….in that dreaded first trimester.
The worst part about the first trimester, besides the
morning sickness, aches, pains, gas, constipation and constant peeing is that
you can’t tell anyone about it (not that you’d want to). People are left to think you are tired,
hungover and/or lazy. And, if you’re any
regular on this blog site – you know I like to share my feelings, emotions and
fears. So, the first trimester is always
the hardest for me.
Also? I’m not a great
pregnant person in the first trimester.
I’m (more) irritable, (more) irrational and crazier than usual….and, to
those that don’t know any different, it’s all without warning.
I’m so sick of myself.
I’m sick of being sick. I’m sick
of talking about being sick. I’m sick of
using it as an excuse for what I can’t do well right now (mostly hold down food
and form an intelligent thought).
What they say is true though….you forget these things. God makes it so that you forget how
horrifying the 1st trimester (and birth) is so that you will do this
again. I can remember (now) breaking
down when I was pregnant with Jack….claiming that I wasn't strong enough for
this….and that I had made a mistake in wanting children….and that my body
wasn't cut out for this.
Yet, I stand her today telling you that we willingly and
knowingly did this again. On purpose.
I've had all of those same thoughts again, folks. I’m not strong enough for this. Nausea every single day, 24 hours a day for
8-12 weeks is not for the weak. It’s
also not for the working or the ones who already have a child that likes to run
and play horsey and tackle you like you’re a running back trying to cut up the
sideline.
The thing about the first trimester is that it completely
overtakes your mind in such a way that you can’t function like a normal human
being. And, this folks? This is worrisome to a high performing career
oriented human being….who depends on her BRAIN to make sure she stays at the
top of her game. But….There are days
that I can’t formulate a sentence, I’m so nauseous. There are days when the vibrations of Matt’s
words floating through the air make me nauseous (or maybe that’s just
marriage?). There are days when the sounds
of the tapping of my OWN FINGERS on this keyboard make me want to hurl.
Oh, the smell of scrambled eggs. You have got to be kidding me already. Stop cooking eggs, people. YUCK.
I can’t make this stuff up.
My body hates being pregnant in the first trimester. And I hate it too.
I cry about everything – and I hate crying. Do not even get me started about what the
“mom” commercials do to me during the Olympics.
It’s not pretty.
Everyone is feeling the pregnancy pinch these days
though. Jack says he “doesn't want it”
(well, too late, kid). Matt has on his
trooper hat and is doing EVERYTHING in his power to make me happy and not sick,
even if that means getting me multiple chili cheese dogs/day. As for me….I just focus on trying to figure
out ways dress this (eventual) bump in such a way that says “if you didn't put
it there, then there’s no need to touch it.”
To date, I've been unsuccessful.
My thoughts and fears are all so different this time
around. I’m less worried about dropping
the baby, changing diapers and feeding the baby….and more worried about how
this baby is going to change the dynamic of our family. What if Jack doesn't like him/her? What if *I* don’t like him/her? I mean, how can I possibly find more love for
another child? What if I can’t handle
two children? I mean, if you've met Jack
then you know he is ALL BOY. He will
tackle you. He needs a bit more
discipline in his life. He is
spoiled. He is my world – and I meant it
to be that way. I've never loved
anything or anyone like I love him. And,
his life is about to drastically change – and what if he hates me for
it??? I won’t be able to handle it. I’m terrified that my relationship with my
most favorite person in the world is about to change in the worst way.
I remember feeling this way in my first trimester with
Jack….and thinking that I made a mistake in getting pregnant and that I didn't
want to be pregnant anymore because I wasn't sure how it would change my
relationship with Matt. Well, it did
change my relationship with Matt….in the most amazing and unexpected way
ever. So, I know THIS baby will do
similar things for our family.
My mom and my good friend Amy (total expert mom of 3) tell
me that we are giving the greatest gift ever to Jack – a sibling. I believe it.
I just dread the first few weeks of adjustment.
Here’s the good news:
I’m headed into the second trimester now and I’m feeling somewhat like a
human being again. I really excel at the
2nd trimester.
I’m ready. Are you?
Let’s do this.
